October 19, 2004

America, The Only Country With Wild Bubbleberry Goodness

They're testing my will to live, aren't they? (#10)

The decline and fall of the American empire, as foretold by Sunday coupons:

1. "Announcing a new line of men's eyewear inspired by the thrill of NASCAR racing."

2. Hershey's "portable" chocolate pudding. It comes in long tubes. I'll stop here.

3. "Tension headaches happen. Excedrin makes them unhappen." I don't believe that's possible.

4. "El Monterey Cruncheros... Mexican snacks dipped in a seasoned, crispy batter." If you survive, please tell me how they were.

5. The multiracial group of photo/cartoon hybrid costumed Halloween children who are overly delighted to have gotten a packet of Cheetos in their trick-or-treat bag.

6. "$5 a pair! No Limit! 11 Fashion Colors! Last Chance! No More At This Price.. Ever! Step Up To Big Savings!" I think they're slacks or something.

7. The Talking Teaching Teddy. "Squeeze my hand and I say my ABCs!" Squeeze my groin and I maul you!

8. "Proud to be a Fifth Columnist" mailing labels.

9. "Spongebob Squarepants Wild Bubbleberry Pop-Tarts with Wild Strawberry filling."

10. "Miss Piggy puts the 'Sty' in 'Style'" in the Hamilton Collection's latest figurine montrosity, "Moi Motorcycle", featuring the world's least likable muppet in a black leather jacket on a pink Harley-Davidson. It's only $19.95 (shipping and handling and loss of human dignity not included).




Posted by Norbizness at October 19, 2004 12:23 AM
Comments

Stop reading your mail, it's the only way.

Posted by: salvage at October 19, 2004 10:24 AM

Oh and uh where can I get "Spongebob Squarepants Wild Bubbleberry Pop-Tarts with Wild Strawberry filling."?

It's uh for my niece...

Posted by: salvage at October 19, 2004 10:25 AM

the austin circular didn't carry the ad for "Crack Cream"?

Posted by: paperpusher at October 19, 2004 12:05 PM

Again, I ask you to please cease and desist your vicious attacks on my company's products. "Miss Piggy on a Harley" puts food on the table and clothes on the kids. If you continue to ridicule my life's work I will be forced seek legal action. Products like "Miss Piggy on a Harley" bring joy and satisfaction to dozens of trailer-dwelling hillbillies in America's heartland. They fulfill a basic human need to surround oneself with beauty and licensed property characters. Would you belittle the creator of the lawn gnome or the inventor of the pink flamingo? I think not. I'm certain that they are very rich right now and could buy and sell your little "blog" outfit many times over. So the next time you deride the custodians of our nation's culture take a moment to reflect on those who will suffer irreparable harm and severe emotional distress all for the sake of a "joke" on a "funny" "blog".

BTW, our Tiffany-inspired locomotive is now at a special introductory price of three installments of $19.99. Comes with a certificate of authenticity. A highly collectible item that is sure to go up in value. Buy the complete set, including the Tiffany railroad crossing, Tiffany trestle bridge and Tiffany hobos.

Posted by: Felix at October 19, 2004 12:47 PM

those pop tarts are actually pretty good, you know

Posted by: Tim at October 19, 2004 01:07 PM

Excedrin makes them unhappen?

Can I unread that?

Posted by: thehim at October 19, 2004 02:57 PM

Can I be assured that those Pop-Tarts are made from 100% natural pureed bubbleberries?

Posted by: FlipYrWhig at October 19, 2004 02:57 PM

no, absolutely not. PopTars are among America's finest overprocessed foods. yum

Posted by: Tim at October 19, 2004 04:02 PM

S'pose y'all know that Bubbleberry is a popular and potent hybrid of cannibis seed.

"Originally conceived in 1996, Bubbleberry has made a perfect hybrid, combining all of the fine qualities of the award winning parents, the ever famous Bubblegum and Blueberry strains. In 1998-1999 this luscious lady won the prestigious San Fransisco Bay Area Growers award. This sturdy plant produces larger buds with more strength and taste than original Bubblegum or Blueberry. Bubbleberry is very hardy and spidermite-resistant. Pungent, sticky flowers with an overpowering aroma provide the smoker with a bubbly high and a long lasting buzz."

Posted by: lee at October 20, 2004 12:33 PM