Happy Furry Puppy Story Time with Norbizness

Ask The President: Outside Assistance Edition

[Iraq poll here, ends Friday. Previous 'Ask The Presidents' #1, #2, #3, #4, #5, and #6].

Anybody can talk to God with a Holy Earpiece. No biggie.

Using Hirsute Wishy-Washy Reprobates Needing Braised Nectarines Saturday Or Later's (HWRNBNSOL's) suggestion, it's time for a new installment of what the 14-year-old suburban white kids call "Ax Da President" (9/6/04, Sedalia, Missouri). This time, we will insert the orders and answers are being fed to him by an unseen puppet-master, which is especially poignant given the friendly, screened, sanitized proceedings. The instructions will appear in brackets.

(1) Q: Do our previous allies remember us, such as France and Germany? Thank you.

THE PRESIDENT: [Thank the nice person] Yeah, I appreciate that. First of all, we put together coalitions. [Whatever you do, don't mention the French] In Afghanistan, for example, there's French Special Forces that have been helping our Special Forces find al Qaeda. [OK, chalk that one up to nervousness. Don't do it again] We've been working together in Haiti. Haiti had a problem and we provided some stability forces, along with the Canadians and the French. [Are you trying to piss me off? Stop it! Wrap up!] So there are places where we are working together. [OK, just.. just go to the next question]

We work with Germany on a lot of causes as well. They just didn't agree with me on Iraq. [Great, the krauts. Just wonderful.] They did on a first resolution, but when it came time to define serious consequences, they made a different choice. But our coalition was a strong one going into Iraq, you know [OK, before starting to list them, close your eyes. There should be a current LCD display of countries that haven't pulled out yet].

Tony Blair is a stand-up guy. The people of England are putting troops in combat. [Now the dingo-worshippers] The Australians were there, Prime Minister Howard. [Gotta mention the Polacks] The Poles went with us. [Finish it up with a big number] Now there's nearly 30 nations involved in Iraq.
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(2) Q Mr. President, I know a lot of our boys are not going to come home because they are giving up their lives for what we truly believe in, in America. What are we going to do for their families that are left behind?

THE PRESIDENT: [Thank the nice person in the same way for the unpatriotic question. Show that rat that you're a big man]. Yeah, I appreciate that. [Throw the rubes some religion] The first thing we'll do is support them with our prayers. (Applause.) And there will be survivor benefits. [Now contrast the survivors yourself] I've met with a lot of the families to whom you refer, and I've been struck by their incredible courage and strength. My promise to them is that we will complete the mission so that their child or their husband or wife has not died in vain. [Throw in some apocalyptic code words for the end-timers] And that mission is to leave behind another world.

It's really important that our -- [Go all 1984 on them, it's OK] that we never send mixed signals to our troops in harm's way, or mixed signals to the Iraqi citizens who wonder whether or not we've got what it takes to stay the line. [Lie unashamedly] See, what I like to do is, I don't like to put artificial timetables out there because of politics. My -- I say to the -- [pretend to act tough, throw in a truism] I say to our troops and I say to the enemy and I say to the Iraqis, we will be there until the mission is finished, and then we're coming home. [Sorry, I said truism. Do you know what that is?]
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(3) Q I have a daughter that -- I have a daughter that's a fifth-grade teacher just north of Columbia, and she's very concerned about your No Child Left Behind policy.

THE PRESIDENT: [OK, big guy. Calm down.] Why? [Calm down! There's going to be a punch line that benefits you. Trust your screeners!]

Q She says, what about behavior-disordered children and the learning-disabled children?

THE PRESIDENT: [OK, we're checking into the screener that fucked up. Now appreciate that shitty question] I appreciate that. What she's asking me is, well, you have an accountability system. [Good move. Go into the pre-planned speech. Don't mention the troublesome retards] Shouldn't there be a different standard for certain children. In other words, should the accountability system be flexible? And the answer is, yes, it should be, and is. You know, you can't expect a child that who can't speak English as a first language to immediately be able to adapt to the education system. And so the system shows flexibility, as it should [Pure magic. You've still got it, kid].

(more in the extended entry...)

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(4) Q Mr. President, if the war on terrorism continues, do you feel that there will be a need for the draft? And do you want to start the draft again?

THE PRESIDENT: [OK. Frighten and reassure at the same time] Yes, first of all, the war on terror will continue. It's going to take awhile. And, no, we don't need a draft. [Don't over-promise. Use these simps' sense of unquestioning obedience to your advantage] What we need to do is -- don't worry about it. [Sweet] What we need to do is to make sure our troops are well-paid, and well-housed, and well-equipped.
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(5) Q You talk about accountability in reading. Will you please require that our schools teach English? And will you rescind President Clinton's executive order so that they can read a ballot in English and not have ballots and other driver's license and Social Security all in whatever language they -- is their home language?

THE PRESIDENT: [Hold on, we're checking. Yes, there are Mexican-Americans in Missouri. Tread lightly] Yeah, well, listen, I think, look -- no question -- the accountability systems in schools are based on English. In other words, we expect kids to read English. When I was the Governor of Texas, I supported what's called "English Plus." English is necessary to be able to realize dreams in our society, plus additional languages. [OK, you're just setting yourself up now. I can read the headlines now: "President unable to articulate, in English, the correlation between English and success."] But I think we are -- I think it's pretty clear in America that you've got to speak English in order to be able to succeed here [Bail! BAIL!! No mas!]
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(6) Q Hi.

THE PRESIDENT: [Oh, this is a weak one. You can be as patronizing as you like] Hi. You're not nervous, are you?

Q No, how can I be? This is an answered prayer for me to get to speak to you.

THE PRESIDENT: [Try striking a Jesus Christ pose, she may actually start convulsing in rapturous epilepsy] Well, thanks for coming.

Q This is a comment to encourage you. We here in the heartland, I think, are responsible for being the anchor, and we know that there is a lot of trends on both coasts, but we try to stay steady, and we try to do what we feel is the right thing. And I want to tell you that I believe I can be a Christian representative and say there's a whole bunch of people praying for you.

THE PRESIDENT: [I got nothing, that was just too fucking stupid] Thank you. (Applause.)

Q And finally, I don't want you to worry about those weapons of mass destruction. They're going to find them. They're there.

THE PRESIDENT: [Holy shit, what have we done to these idiots? Just... wow] Thank you very much. Thanks. I appreciate your prayers a lot. (Applause.) Let me make a comment about religion. [Try not to be offended by the implication of all these prayers; be gracious] First of all, the prayers help a lot, and I thank you for that. It means a lot to me and Laura, that people would pray for us.

[Now free-form blather. I need to get something from the snack machine] Ours is a society that is based upon the ability for people to worship or not worship, if that's what they choose to do. It's really an important part of the American tradition and history and future, and I believe that. We need to be serving the example in a world that says, if you worship, you're a patriot, if you don't worship, you're a patriot. And if you do worship, you can worship any way you see fit. [I'm back. What did I miss?]
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(7) Q First of all, I have to say, my mom said to tell you she loves you.

THE PRESIDENT: [Wait, we're checking her DNA to see if she's your daughter] Your mom said that? [Keep it together, almost done]

Q My mom said that. She couldn't be here today.

THE PRESIDENT: [OK, she's not related, her Mom's just stupid] Tell her thanks.
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(8) Q What a pleasure, Mr. President, to actually face and see my Commander-in-Chief.

THE PRESIDENT: [They're really getting simpier by the moment, aren't they?] Thank you, sir.

Q My question is, why are the French so ungrateful for what all we have done for that nation, especially in the past?

THE PRESIDENT: [Get him to say it again] The who?

Q The French.

THE PRESIDENT: [Try to act like this is an embarrassment of riches] Oh, yes. Yes. Well, I'm getting the picture here today of -- (laughter.) Look, we've got a -- (applause.) We just try to work with everybody as best we can, you know, and if they -- if -- I'm just not going to let anybody veto our policy, if we do what we think is right and lead the world in the cause of freedom and peace and try to work with everybody, you know, try to bring people along. [Could we wrap it up here?]
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(9) Q Mr. President, 20 years ago, Ronald Reagan spoke in Sedalia, right here in this building.

THE PRESIDENT: [Fall to your knees and kiss the ground. Just kidding] Really? Right here? You've got to be kidding. Isn't that something. [Tie it in, stupid] I'm honored to be following in his footsteps again. [Bust out the smoke bomb and pyrotechnics and let's get the fuck outta here]

Posted by Norbizness at October 14, 2004 12:59 AM