Happy Furry Puppy Story Time with Norbizness

A Very Special New England Ask The President

Picture presented without comment.

August 30th, Nashua, New Hampshire. I've discovered that as the Ask the President sessions progress, the section of the program where the President chats with pre-selected audience members is becoming less and less useful. The problem is that there's no real give-and-take anymore, in that the audience member mouths a platitude, which launches a 5-6 paragraph canned mini-speech by the President. Therefore, we're left with the slightly less planned "questions from the audience" section, in which I alter the answers of the President to reflect his (and my) more weary demeanor:
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(1) Q I happen to be a Pearl Harbor survivor. And God was good to me over there.

THE PRESIDENT: He was all fiery and wrathful to a lot of other people, though.

Q I spent 41 months overseas. I enlisted for two years foreign service, and I love my country to the bitter end. And I think you're doing a wonderful job. But just a minute -- (Applause.) Just a minute. I got two young couples here that their sons are in Iraq, and they love you, too.

THE PRESIDENT: Stop, you're going to turn me into an obstinate prick that can never admit a mistake. It's interesting, isn't it -- he survived Pearl Harbor. There are people today who, 30 years from now, are going to say, I survived the attack on September the 11th (actual quote).
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(2) Q I'm a state rep from Nashua, New Hampshire. Mr. President, I want to thank you for being a man of action and a President of principle. (Movie announcer voice: "In a world he never created....")

THE PRESIDENT: Well, we tried the campaign slogan: "A man of sloth and a President of nihilistic existentialism," but it didn't test too well.

Q No, I'm a great supporter of Governor Benson. I'd love to see two more years with the Governor.

THE PRESIDENT: Well, you gotta be a do-right woman for your do-right man.
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(3) Q It's nice to have an entrepreneur in there. (Confused twittering.) My question is about decision-making. Sir, I had a radio show in Lowell, and I had Mr. Kerry on frequently, and I never saw a man before who actually changed his mind mid-sentence, but this man does it. (Sounds of torches being lit.) How do you make decisions, sir? And what do you think about the importance in this era of making a strong and swift decision?

THE PRESIDENT: That question is so embarrassing in its set-up, even I feel compelled to ignore it.
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(4) Q My name is Sarah and I'm actually on the e-board for the New England College chapter of College Republicans in Henniker. We were hoping that maybe you and your campaign -- and this is for any other candidates, our governor, our senators -- if you would come and speak to our school and let them hear your point of view, personally.

THE PRESIDENT: Sorry, this about does it for New England. Might I suggest somebody significantly, significantly, I mean significantly less famous? Like Steven Baldwin?
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[more in the extended entry]

5) Q Before my question I'd like to say thank you for your leadership and your strength. I appreciate it. (Audible yawns) One of the false charges from your opponents is that you've been neglecting veterans. I was wondering if you could address that criticism.

THE PRESIDENT: Well, I was going to say that it was a false charge, but you've already covered that. Thanks. I got nothing now.
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(6) Q Mr. President, thank you for your leadership, Mr. President. God bless you. It's a difficult job and you've done a great job for us. You brought us back after 9/11. It was a tremendous blow that day and we were emotionally crushed as a country. But you brought us back all the way. And thank you and God bless you. I watched the Reagan funeral, Mr. President, and a lot of what President Reagan had to deal with in bringing our country back, you have basically the same challenges and you have the same challenges. And I was -- just wanted to know, since this is Nashua, where he was famous in saying --

THE PRESIDENT: I know where you were eventually going with this. "I paid for this microphone, motherfucker!" I was a little coked up at the time, but I was like all "Damn, dude!" You do remember that that line helped to defeat my Dad, right? And we as a nation should be eternally thankful that my father was trounced in 1980.

Q Mr. President, how is Mrs. Reagan doing? I know you met with her.

THE PRESIDENT: Poor dear, she keeps going on and on about stem cells, whatever those are. Grief has caused her to start making up words.
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(7) Q (Something that sounds like Charlie Brown's teacher)

THE PRESIDENT: You did? She went to Libya she said. Were you on the shores of Tripoli?

Q (long stream of curse words) -- and I share their curiosity -- oh, thank you. How can Ariel Sharon, as you've said, be a man of peace if he causes death and torture among innocent Palestinians every day? How can Ariel Sharon be a man of peace if he fits your definition a terrorist? I'd be curious to hear how you plan to carry out the two-state solution.

THE PRESIDENT: Holy shit, a slightly confrontational question. Now what did Karl tell me about handling these? Should I try pressing the invisibility button on my suit? Get Secret Service to beat the snot out of this person? Am I talking out loud right now? Wait, I think I can boil it all down to a simple platitude. Searching.. searching.. got it: That's what we have the road map for.
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(8) Q Okay, I'm going to appear to be sophisticated, but I'm a wreck.

THE PRESIDENT: Welcome to my world.

Q I do want to say it's an honor to be here today to meet you, Mr. President. Okay -- and New Hampshire chicks love you. (Gagging noises.) I got to say that.

THE PRESIDENT: So far you haven't acted very sophisticated, I admit, you know? (actual quote.) I got to say that.

Q And if I knew nothing about politics I would vote for you because of your moral values.

THE PRESIDENT: I'm hoping lots of people come to the same conclusion.
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(9) Q God bless you, Mr. President.

THE PRESIDENT: I didn't sneeze.

Q Youngest of 11, seven boys, all served in the military.

THE PRESIDENT: Is that you or Audie Murphy? Try using a little something we call "contextual precursor."

Q The only thing I wanted to say -- I don't have a question for you because you and I are on the same page, but I want you to go out throughout the country, and every time you ask for a vote, you ask for our prayers.

THE PRESIDENT: That statement is nothing to me now. That's not a question, that's not a coherent declaration. I don't want to know that statement. I don't want to it at the hotels, I don't want it near my house. When it wants to see our mother, I want to know a day in advance, so I won't be there. You understand?

Posted by Norbizness at September 28, 2004 12:19 AM