Happy Furry Puppy Story Time with Norbizness

Ask The President #4: Fond Du Lac, Wisconsin

For thine is the power, the flavor, and the sharpness, forever and ever, amen. Go Pack!

It's only the fourth session, and it's already starting to sound monotonous (The first three installments are here, here, and here). As a result, I'm leaving the quotes from the President intact, and changing up the questions so they don't sound like they're coming from a bunch of scared, girthy automatons. A little pre-game fun with parentheticals before we begin:

I also want to thank my friend, Tommy Thompson, for serving our country so well. (Hissing) Thank you, T. They still remember you. (Insanely loud hissing) He's done a great job.
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(1) PRESIDENT: (to the business owner/host) Why? Why did you hire 73 people? Just to be a nice guy?

MR. COLWIN: Because if I didn't, you would have never come here and received this complimentary memorial cheese sculpture of your dearly departed Springer Spaniel, Spotty. And.. er.. because stuff is growing.

THE PRESIDENT: There you go. The markets are growing. Did the tax cuts help? He's a sub-chapter S corporation. In other words, we cut his taxes. Why? Because if he's got more money in his pocket he's going to plow it back into the business, which means you're likely to keep your work. In this case, 73 more people found a job -- that's what's important.

MR. COLWIN: That and I managed to buy my mistress a green-and-yellow Mustang convertible with the Brett Favre custom package. (Laughter and applause.)

THE PRESIDENT: Pretty simple now. It helps. Tax relief helps.

MR. COLWIN: She'll actually sleep with me now on a regular basis.

THE PRESIDENT: Now, are you going to make investments this year?

MR. COLWIN: Well, winter's coming up. She really wants a fur coat. Something soft, she says. I feel like my nuts are in a clamp.

THE PRESIDENT: Wow, that's good. Yes, let me -- let me explain what that means. (Applause.) See, that's really good news. But let me tell you what investment really means. He just said he's going to buy fabricating equipment.

MR. COLWIN: Yeah, that's it. It'll show up as "fabricating equipment" on the tax return.

THE PRESIDENT: I don't know who you're buying it from. It would be a good chance to put a plug in for them. (Laughter.)

MR. COLWIN: Some Ukranian guy is the middleman, I don't ask where the goods come from. I don't need to know. I'm not fucking with the Ukranian mob.

THE PRESIDENT: Well, that's important. And that's how the economy grows. And the tax relief plan we passed said to Joe, we're going to help you make the decision, because if you make the decision to buy plant and equipment this year, you get a little extra tax break. Isn't that right, Joe?

MR. COLWIN: That's what this scary looking IRS auditor looking over my shoulder says.

THE PRESIDENT: Now, you're supposed to be doing more talking than I am. (Cries of "Who's your mistress? Is it that girl at the diner?") It's your business. (Cries of "Not any more!" and "Wait till Eugenia finds out!")
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(2) PRESIDENT: Now, let me introduce you to Tim Rice. Tim, thanks for coming. Tim is a guy who works here at Mid-States, right? How long have you worked here for, Tim?

MR. RICE: I started in May, sir, following graduation from University of Wisconsin. It's always been a dream of mine to get stuck in this dairy quagmire.

THE PRESIDENT: Congratulations on getting out of college. Barbara just graduated, too.

MR. RICE: Is she available? (Applause.)

THE PRESIDENT: He started in May. It's a pretty good sign, isn't it? The economy is growing; otherwise he wouldn't be starting in May. He might have been starting in May of 1997.

MR. RICE: What? 1997? Do you have any idea what you're saying?

THE PRESIDENT: Thanks, yes. (Two people clap) I know I'm prying into your business, but are you making more money now than you were.

MR. RICE: Absolutely. I was a student, dumbass. (Laughter.)

THE PRESIDENT: That's good. Like, one dollar more? Two-times more?

MR. RICE: What are we, living in 1928? (mocking) "I'm getting a shiny quarter every day." (/mocking) Wait.. is that peppermint schnapps I smell?
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More in the extended entry...

(3) PRESIDENT: Deb Winterhack is with us. All right, Deb. Let her go.

MRS. WINTERHACK: Get your filthy paws off me, you goons! Son of a freaking bitch!

THE PRESIDENT: Married?

MRS. WINTERHACK: No.

THE PRESIDENT: How many children?

MRS. WINTERHACK: Twenty-seven.

THE PRESIDENT: See, I told her I thought she was fooling me when she told me. (Laughter.)

MRS. WINTERHACK: Yes, well, I feel it. (Knowing "oooos")

THE PRESIDENT: Are they here?

MRS. WINTERHACK: No, they're at Williamsport Baseball Tournament.

THE PRESIDENT: Really?

MRS. WINTERHACK: Yes, my family started two separate teams. There's Tiffany, Heather, Cody, Dylan, Dermot, Jordan, Taylor, Brittany, Wesley, Rumor, Scout, Cassidy, Zoe, Chloe, Max, Hunter, Kendall, Caitlin, Noah, Sascha, Morgan, Kyra, Ian, Lauren, Q-bert, and Phail.

THE PRESIDENT: You're a Little League mom?

MRS. WINTERHACK: No, I'm the Third Duchess of Dorchester.

THE PRESIDENT: I was raised by a Little League mom. (Laughter.) The difference is -- (applause) -- the difference is, is that my mother's hair turned white. (Laughter.)

MRS. WINTERHACK: Mine fell out. (Laughter.)

THE PRESIDENT: Yes, let me tell you something about health care. I'm sorry to interrupt, and you can tell us how you got into health care. (Laughter.)

MRS. WINTERHACK: That's okay.

THE PRESIDENT: We haven't rehearsed this too well -- (laughter.)

MRS. WINTERHACK: It's not my fault. You're stepping all over my lines, jackass. (Laughter.)

THE PRESIDENT: She's doing the fox trot and I'm doing the twist. (Laughter.) Anyway, they still do the twist? (Laughter.) I know, a little odd. [ed: a reminder. None of the President's quotes have been altered.]
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(4) PRESIDENT: Let me answer some questions, and then we're going to get back on the bus and take it up the highway. Who has got a question? Yes, sir. Yell it -- oh, there's a mike.

Q The Patriot Act --

THE PRESIDENT: Patriot Act.

Q Is there any reason I should feel an almost artificial euphoria every time I hear the name of that legislation?

THE PRESIDENT: Yes.

Q Because I'm having these nightmares, see. There's always John Ashcroft in some sort of Tele-Tubbies outfit, chasing me with a glow stick. I scream and scream and scream until my wife wakes me up. I'm at my wits end, I'm---

THE PRESIDENT: Let me -- that's a great question.
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(5) Q Mr. President --

THE PRESIDENT: I thought for a minute we had John Glenn here. (Laughter.)

Q No, I'm just a bald guy in an astronaut suit. (Laughter.)

THE PRESIDENT: He's a good man.

Q Thank you. You touched on energy a little earlier in your speech, and I'm just wondering what your views are on renewable energy such as ethanol, biodiesel, wind power. Keep in mind that I know what I'm talking about.

THE PRESIDENT: Yes, I may -- when I talked about alternative sources of energy, that's what I was referring to. As a matter of fact, it is a grand vision to think about a President saying -- reading the corn harvest and saying, oh, they're up, and now we're less dependent on foreign sources of energy. I mean, it would be a fantastic moment for any President to know that we can grow our way out of dependence.
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(6) Q (Drunk) Mishter Preshident, I'm Billy and I'm work for the Shitty Council (giggles)

THE PRESIDENT: Thank you, Councilman. Thank you for serving.

Q Where dosh a guy go to get a belt like that? That's the prettiesht belt I've ever sheen in my life!

THE PRESIDENT: Thank you, Councilman. (Applause.)

Q I've got shomething for you (Secret Service agents advance).

THE PRESIDENT: I thought it was going to be the classic, like, where's the key? (Laughter.)

Q Oh no you don't. You can't have my keysh. I'm not too drive to drunk, dammit!

THE PRESIDENT: That's why I'm asking, you know? (Laughter.) I don't -- I'm not sure the message. [ed: I'm not kidding. None of the President's quotes have been altered.]

Q Schrew you, Mr. I've Got a Belt! I'll fight you right now, fucker! (Tackled by bevy of secret service agents)

THE PRESIDENT: Okay, good. (Laughter.)
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(7) Q Okay. Hi, Mr. President.

THE PRESIDENT: Hi.

Q I'm 18...

THE PRESIDENT: Okay, let me stop you right there. I'm the first guy to ask for your vote. (Laughter and applause.) Remember that when you get in the booth. (Laughter.)

Q That gets to the gist of my question. Is there any reason I should consider indirectly rewarding the bloated, decadent, corporatist two-party American system of malfeasance and misgovernance? When the lessons of Eisenhower's warning about the military-industrial complex go unheeded, what recourse does the polity have? I'm disillusioned to the point that I wouldn't vote even if you fascist warmongers made it compulsory!

THE PRESIDENT: Yes, no, I appreciate that. I just don't think it's going to work, you know, compulsory voting. I wish everybody would vote. But it's a right. It's a right. It's like the right to worship the way you want to worship. It's a right. I just don't think compulsory voting would work. I'm not sure what the penalty is. [ed: Look, would you stop asking? I reiterate: none of the President's quotes have been altered.]
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(8) Q Mr. President, I'd like to thank you for making this country stronger and making me a better dad in helping to support my family, as well.

THE PRESIDENT: Thanks. Yes. You know what, I can't make you a better dad. That's up to you. Thanks for saying that, but it's really your job.

Q Double damn!
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Posted by Norbizness at August 30, 2004 12:30 AM