Happy Furry Puppy Story Time with Norbizness

Ask The President III: Where The Hell is Kutztown, Penn.?

See question #4.

Before we begin with another installment of Ask Your Genetically Modified Paranoid Talkin' Blues President, I thought I'd start with another idea. Replace the stock crowd reaction at these incubated events (it's usually "applause") with a different crowd parenthetical; for instance:

The job of the President is to confront problems, not to pass them on to future Presidents and future generations. (Cries of "What's all this, then?", "What about the deficit?", "That's bullshit!")

Now for the crowd interaction. I think the first one may have even been unscripted, although I wouldn't put anything past the choreographers. Remember to check the extended entry for more obvious examples of controlled whimsy and heavily sedated spontaneity:
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(1) MEMBER OF AUDIENCE: Come visit our farm!

THE PRESIDENT: What do you grow?

MEMBER OF AUDIENCE: Corn and -- (inaudible, but we think it was "hemp, motherfucker!")

THE PRESIDENT: There you go. I may just do that, but when you ask for that, just remember, 400 policemen, John Ashcroft on a jet-black steed, the entire editorial staff of High Times, and Matthew McConaughey will descend on your hemp farm like locusts.
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(2) PRESIDENT: Roger, welcome. Thank you for coming.

MR. SCHMIDT: Thank you, Mr. President.

THE PRESIDENT: I just had coffee with Roger down the road. Remember when that little girl in Airplane! liked her coffee black, just like her men? Ho man, that was good.

MR. SCHMIDT: Thank you.

THE PRESIDENT: No problem. Those two jive-talking guys. Rack em smack em mumbo jumbo! (Laughter) Oops, fucked that one up (Laughter, groans). Anyway, what do you do, Roger?

MR. SCHMIDT: I work at E.J. Breneman. We're a 62-year-old highway construction firm working in the eastern United States.

THE PRESIDENT: Good. He's a sub-chapter S corporation. I mean, works at at sub-thingy. Roger himself, according to these declassified tax returns, claimed a large deductible for escort services as a business expense. That's a bad Roger! At what rate are you going through these exotic dancers, Rog?

MR. SCHMIDT: The highest rate, individual rate, yes, sir.

THE PRESIDENT: That's called leading the witness. Randy bastard (Laughter).

MR. SCHMIDT: I'm a good follower (Laughter).

THE PRESIDENT: You have got -- okay, so you hired people this year, have you not?

MR. SCHMIDT: Yes, sir. We've put new -- eight hires to work this year so far.

THE PRESIDENT: This may seem like a rhetorical question-- but why did you give a job to these ladies of the night?

MR. SCHMIDT: Why? Because our business is expanding.

THE PRESIDENT: Expanding. It's like, they tell me, expand, Mr. President. Expand, Roger (Laughter). [ed: this quote was not altered]
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(3) PRESIDENT: Dale and Sharon Stump are with us -- thank you all for coming. I had coffee with them, as well. I am fucking jacked up beyond belief. I think I'm sweating Folgers' Breakfast Blend (Applause).

MR. STUMP: Thank you, Mr. President.

THE PRESIDENT: In your fantasy world, what do you do?

MR. STUMP: I'm a self-employed builder/remodeler for 20 years.

THE PRESIDENT: Great. Great. Great. Fantastic. Super. Hoo boy. And Mom is a teacher. Teach. Teach. Peach. Peachy keen. Sweet.

MRS. STUMP: Yes. I was in the insurance industry for a number of years, but retired to be a full-time mom and wife, and we home-school our three children now.

THE PRESIDENT: That's fantastic. The world needs more kids who believe in creationism and distrust scientists. I fucking hate scientists, those smug know-it-all look-at-me-I-can-balance-my-checkbook sons of bitches (Applause). Next!
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(4) Q As a mother of two, my greatest concern is national security. What is your biggest fear with, if you'll excuse me, a Kerry administration?

THE PRESIDENT: Well, (a) I won't excuse you, and (b) I just l-o-v-e "security moms". I'm not going to play Carnac the Magnificent right here, but I do see the flesh melting off your child's bones as unmanned terrorist drone planes rain fiery napalm down on them on their school's kickball field. That's one possible outcome from a Kerry Administration. Want me to go on?
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(5) PRESIDENT: We've got the Griesemers with us today. Thank you all for coming. We're proud you're here. Debbie is with us, and Jim. Tell us your story, Jim... go ahead, put the mike closer. As Debbie says, put the mike up--

MR. GRIESEMER: I'm sorry, I missed what you said, sir.

THE PRESIDENT: (Glares)

MR. GRIESEMER: Yes. Yes, yes.

THE PRESIDENT: Do you like my ability to crush your mind? Say something stupid about where you work and the effect of this lame anecdotal evidence in contradicting the conventional macroeconomic wisdom!

MR. GRIESEMER: Yes, at C.H. Briggs Hardware. It's an expanding economy. With that company, it's been tremendous.

THE PRESIDENT: You want to please me, right?

MR. GRIESEMER: Oh, yes, yes.

THE PRESIDENT: Debbie, what do you do?

MRS. GRIESEMER: I'm an executive assistant to the president of a manufacturing firm, SFS Intec.

THE PRESIDENT: I hear you manufacture suicide machines. Killing is your business and business is good, right?

MRS. GRIESEMER: Yes, it's growing. Record sales through the second quarter this year.
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(6) PRESIDENT: Let me take a couple of questions. I haven't had a -- I haven't had a press conference in a while (Laughter, cries of "Wonder why, dumbass?") Just last week, I think it was. Any questions? Yes, sir.

Q Mr. President, I recently read I think yesterday or the day before in the Philadelphia Enquirer that the -- I think it was the Senate Intelligence Committee was going to release a report that highlighted the fact that that CIA had given wrong information on Iraq prior to both you and the Congress. And I was wondering if you might comment on that.

THE PRESIDENT: Reading the paper is not a good way to get news. Next?
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(7) PRESIDENT: Okay. Anybody got a question? Other than the United States senators. Their questions are always too hard. (Laughter.) Yes, sir.

Q Thank you -- I was wondering, there's a lot of talk right now about memoirs being written with the former President. After you are elected in 2004, what will your memoirs say about you, what will the title be, and what will the main theme say?

THE PRESIDENT: I appreciate that. (Laughter.) There is a painting on my wall in the Oval -- first of all, I don't know. I'm just speculating now. I really haven't thought about writing a book. My life is too complicated right now trying to do my job. (Laughter.) But if -- there's a painting on the wall in the Oval Office that shows a horseman charging up a steep cliff, and there are at least two other horsemen following. It's a Western scene by a guy named W.H.S. Koerner called "A Charge to Keep." It's on loan, by the way, from a guy named Joe O'Neill in Midland, Texas. He was the person, he and his wife Jan, introduced -- reintroduced me and Laura in his backyard in July of 1977. Four months later, we were married. So he's got a -- I'm a decision-maker and I can make good decisions. (Applause, cat-calls, steel-workers complimenting Laura's ass.) [ed: the answer it was not altered, obviously. I couldn't make it up if I tried.]
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(8) Q Mr. President, my name is Craig --

THE PRESIDENT: Please, first names only. I don't want to have to hunt you down if you ask me even a slightly critical or confrontational questions.

Q How are you? I just wondered, when you defeat your opponent this fall, Jane Fonda's poster boy -- (laughter) -- are you going to be able to keep Colin Powell on your team?

THE PRESIDENT: Her French poster boy. Speaking of Jane Fonda's posters, I was often alone in my apartment room while serving as Kegmaster in the Air National Guard at Ellington Air Force Base in Houston. Well, Jane Fonda might have betrayed our country and sold shoddy exercise tapes that did not reduce the layer of fat on my wife's thighs, but damned if a poster of her with her see-through top in Barberella didn't help me maintain my virginal purity of essence.
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(9) PRESIDENT: Yes, what you got? Let her go. Just yell it out -- if I don't like the question, I'll change it. (Laughter.)

Q I was wondering what your plans are for banning gay marriage in the 50 states?

THE PRESIDENT: Yes. He asked about gay marriage. I didn't change it. Well, so long as Dick Cheney doesn't contradict me at some point in the future, and assuming that you don't understand federalism or the separation of powers, let me tell you that I will personally vanquish all gay partnerships if it takes me 20 years as President to do. Whoops, can't believe I let that one slip out.
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Posted by Norbizness at August 25, 2004 12:51 AM