Happy Furry Puppy Story Time with Norbizness

Ask The President, Part II: Live From Dayton

LISA: Mr. Burns, your campaign seems to have the momentum of a runaway freight train. Why are you so popular?
MR. BURNS: Ooh, a tough question but a fair one.

For this session, I've decided to go with approach #1 (keep the questions/citizen comments the same, alter the answers to reflect a paranoid, hyper-defensive President even though he's in a hand-picked crowd with pre-approved and probably not their own questions). As you can see, it's hardly Prime Minister's Question Time. It's hardly question time at all; most of the time, it resembles a bad infomercial. Plenty of additional ones in the extended section...
---------------------------------------
(1) PRESIDENT: And $1900, it gives them more money to pay down credit. It gives them more money to take care of their family. Is that right? What did you do with all that money?

MR. BERKEY: Well, mostly we used it just to pay off some bills, much like most of our friends, because raising a family is very expensive nowadays. I brought my three children. And, as you can see, just feeding them guys took most of that $800. (Laughter.)

THE PRESIDENT: I didn't say $800, I said $1900, dumbass. In any event, how about kicking a little back to the Bush-Cheney re-election effort? Is that so much to ask so in return for allowing your three little pork-pies over there to continue to stuff their fat faces with corn dogs?

MRS. BERKEY: Any kind of an increase is just going to make things tighter. You know, I like to have the money here.

THE PRESIDENT: Shut up now. Other people want to talk.
--------------------------------------
(2) MS. SCOTT: I would just like to add that other than that, my family and friends here, and in New York, are praying for you, Mr. President.

THE PRESIDENT: Why would you need to pray for me? I'm already President. Things have worked out pretty well... wait.... is there something wrong with me? Did Jesus tell you I have a disease? Spit it out, woman!

MS. SCOTT: And we stand behind you.

THE PRESIDENT: Why behind me? Am I infectious? Wait a minute. Who do you pray to? Where are you going?
----------------------------------------

(3) THE PRESIDENT: Dave, tell us about your business.

MR. DYSINGER: We are back in a growth cycle. We're up to 21 employees now. We expect to hire 10 more, and 20 next year. (Applause.)

THE PRESIDENT: There you go. How about temporarily adding 150,000 next month for your old pal George? Don't worry, we can use some unaudited reconstruction money to finance it. Please please please pretty please?

MR. DYSINGER: So we're moving.

THE PRESIDENT: To India, right? How many people?

MR. DYSINGER: Twenty next year.

THE PRESIDENT: Do I hear 25?

MR. DYSINGER: I hope. (Applause.)

THE PRESIDENT: Look, bully for you. Don't let a bunch of America First do-gooders bully you around.

MR. DYSINGER: I'd like to thank you also. The fact is, I'm proud and grateful to be an American. And I am very thankful for the leadership you bring to us here in these hard times. (Applause.)

THE PRESIDENT: The applause cut you off, Dave, so I'll finish your sentence for you: "... these hard times the Lord has visited upon us for electing a philanderer like Clinton twice."
--------------------------------------
(4) Q: Yes -- my husband is serving in Iraq --

THE PRESIDENT: Your husband is in Iraq now.

Q Right.

THE PRESIDENT: That's called a David Mamet moment. I'm just trying to bring a little culture to you rust belt hicks. What's he doing?

Q He's with the civil affairs, and he supports you 100 percent for being there. And I support you, and his family supports you for being there. My question is, is there any plans of getting out the personnel vehicles from the Vietnam era to help with the protection from the -- until the Humvees get --

THE PRESIDENT: Yes.

Q -- for their protection for the soldiers?

THE PRESIDENT: Of course. You may wonder why we didn't do this before we actually invaded and occupied Iraq. Don't look at me like that. I know what you're up to. He gassed his own people. That's why your husband is rolling around that thing you talked about.
---------------------------------------
(5) Q: Mr. President, I consider it a great honor to be here today to be with you. I am a retired educator, and, as you know, many of the people in my profession profess to be very opposed to the things that the Republicans are proposing. And I made a comment here earlier today to some friends that if the educators will speak the truth, the real truth, we can teach every child and not leave them behind. But it takes not just money, it takes the backing of the family, it takes backing of the school, it takes of everyone to make that child want to learn. And it's not dollars that's going to pull him out the way the NEA says it is. So as a retired principal of West Carrollton Junior High School, I support your plan 100 percent, and I know many, many educators that support it, as well. They're not all on the side of the NEA.

THE PRESIDENT: Look, dude, I don't care about all that shit. Thanks for wasting my time with all that West Bumfuck Something Or Other School and the NEA, whatever that stands for.
-----------------------------------------
(7) Q Mr. President, would you please sign this? (Laughter.)

THE PRESIDENT: Yes. (Applause.) In a minute. (Laughter.)

Q The question is, due to your administration, our business has turned around phenomenally. The last two months have been record months. But where we're taking a hit, as is the steel industry, the prices are sky-rocketing.

THE PRESIDENT: What am I, the magical steel price fairy? You were doing so well until you decided to throw that last little unscripted part in. Here, give me that program back. No autograph for you. Autographs are for non-whiners.
-------------------------------------
(8) Q My name is Erica Keene. I'm eight years old. And what's the funnest thing to be -- about being President? (Laughter.)

THE PRESIDENT: You think my job is fun and games, Erica? Well, it's reality check time, chica. (whispering) You know what it's like to deal with a National Security Advisor who think that you're her husband? All of those awkward floral arrangements and mash notes? And a robot-obsessed Vice President? It's a fucking madhouse where I work! (normal voice) Don't be alarmed folks, just having a nice chat here with little Erica (tousles her hair).
---------------------------------------
(9) PRESIDENT: Yes. You've written this question down. That's dangerous.

Q Yes, but that's because I'm a little nervous.

THE PRESIDENT: Okay, well, don't worry, it's just the President. And a huge press corps. (Laughter.) Don't fuck it up now.

Q First of all, I want to say I'm very honored to be here with you today. I brought my wife and my daughter with me.

THE PRESIDENT: Well, what do you want then? Selling lightbulbs? Collecting for charity? Keen on Jesus? Out with it!

Q My daughter is 14. She's right here.

THE PRESIDENT: You stammering idiot. You already said that.

Q My daughter -- my wife, Debbie is over here.

THE PRESIDENT: Hi, Debbie. How are you? What's it like being married to a low-grade waterhead and living in this flashing-yellow-light purgatory?

Q First of all, Mr. President, thank you. I want to thank you for being a man of faith. And as a fellow -- (Applause.)

THE PRESIDENT: My faith is being sorely tested right now. Get to the fucking point.

Q Wow. Anyhow, as a fellow man of faith, how has the faith, first, affected you as a man? How has your faith affected you as President? And further, how do you think faith will affect the outcome of the 2004 election? Thank you.

THE PRESIDENT: Great question. Gotta go.

Posted by Norbizness at August 20, 2004 12:39 AM