May 06, 2004
Happy Act Like a Fucking Pharisee Day
And please kill my owners and give me the run of the house...
(1) Are any of my fellow Austinites down with this (never mind that it happened three hours ago)? "Prayers will be offered for our country, state, and local leaders as well as for our families and communities of faith. All are welcome to join in prayer together evangelical in style and Christian in nature." Why, thanks!
(2) Thanks to the indispensable work of Jesus' General, we're reminded that loony religions like Mormonism, Catholicism, Judaism, Seventh-Day Adventism, Unitarianism, Buddhism and Hinduism are being excluded from festivities. I mean, they all pray, but it's well known that the Invisible Sky Fairy's prayer-mail account blocks that sort of spam.
(3) From the Gospel of Matthew, Chapter 8: 5. And when you pray, you must not be like the hypocrites; for they love to stand and pray in the synagogues and at the street corners, that they may be seen by men. Truly, I say to you, they have received their reward. 6. But when you pray, go into your room and shut the door and pray to your Father who is in secret; and your Father who sees in secret will reward you. 7. And in praying do not heap up empty phrases as the Gentiles do; for they think that they will be heard for their many words. 8. Do not be like them, for your Father knows what you need before you ask him.
(4) From the Examination of Anne Hutchinson (Massachusetts Bay Colony, 1637):
Mr. Harlakenden [assistant to the Court]: I may read scripture and the most glorious hypocrite may read them and yet go down to hell.
Mrs. H.: It may be so....
Gov.: I am persuaded that the revelation she brings forth is delusion.
[The trial text here reads:] All the court but some two or three ministers cry out, we all believe it--we all believe it. [Mrs. Hutchinson was found guilty]
Gov.: The court hath already declared themselves satisfied concerning the things you hear, and concerning the troublesomeness of her spirit and the danger of her course amongst us, which is not to be suffered. Therefore if it be the mind of the court that Mrs. Hutchinson for these things that appear before us is unfit for our society, and if it be the mind of the court that she shall be banished out of our liberties and imprisoned till she be sent away, let them hold up their hands. [All but three did so] Mrs. Hutchinson, the sentence of the court you hear is that you are banished from out of our jurisdiction as being a woman not fit for our society, and are to be imprisoned till the court shall send you away.
Mrs. H.: I desire to know wherefore I am banished?
Gov.: Say no more. The court knows wherefore and is satisfied.
(5) From Dr. Strangelove:
Gen. Turgidson: (Whistles loudly) Gentlemen, gentlemen. (War room falls silent) Ah, gentlemen, Mr. President, I'm not a sentimentalist at all, by nature, but I think I know what's in every heart in this room. I think we ought to all just bow our heads and give a short prayer of thanks for our deliverance. LORD, we have heard the wings of the angel of death fluttering over our heads from the valley of fear. You have seen fit to deliver us from the forces of evil...
Stains: Excuse me sir, Premier Kissov's calling again and he's hopping mad.
UPDATE: Of course, we must be respectful of all praying cats, including those who face towards Mecca.
That is the cutest kitten picture EVER. Beware, some Christian propagandists might swipe it for an inspirational poster. Or is that where you found it?
Posted by: sw at May 6, 2004 04:00 PMIt's a lot more likely to be swiped by Fark readers....
Curses! Foiled again!
Or, should that be great minds think (almost) alike?
Posted by: (: Tom :) at May 6, 2004 07:50 PMEveryday is like some twisted countdown to Hell. I am starting to believe that there is no evolution. I mean, look, just how much have we really evolved? Sky god, sky fairy. No one that doesn't think like we think can live with us.
Who said there is no fun in fundamentalism.
The kitty is praying for the deaths of the humans and the doggies and more tuna while you are at it. Never mind we can't open the cans ourselves!
Posted by: jaye at May 7, 2004 02:08 AMwe must be respectful of all praying cats
Not if they're calico. Them's Satan's bitches.
Posted by: NTodd at May 7, 2004 06:47 AMI don't trust Manx cats, where's the tail I ask? Without the tail they’re just over sized carnivorous hamsters.
All the tin foil hat conspiracies about Jews running everything from Hollywood to the IMF? It ain't the Hebrews, it's the Siamese, cats that is, yes they are that good at being that evil.
Posted by: salvage at May 7, 2004 08:29 AMI like it when they turn on each other. Let us remember, all animals are equal, only some are more equal than others.
Posted by: Houston at May 8, 2004 10:24 AM